When Thanks Are Missing
by Dr. Linda Phillips-Jones (in memoriam) with slight edits by Dr. G. Brian Jones
When we’d feed our four horses morning and again at night, we’d chuckle because, as usual, not a one of them would ever give us a wink of thanks. In fact, they practically knocked us over as they wolfed down their alfalfa and as usual selfishly pushed each other out of the way.
That made us reflect on the many newspaper and magazine advice columns we’d read lately that contain letters from frustrated grandmas and disappointed wedding guests who never get a thanks for presents they send. Pause to look also at the lack of appreciation some times in mentoring relationships.
Disappointed Mentors
Dr. Linda once asked an excellent mentor (who actually has a waiting list of mentees eager to work with him) what he was encountering, good or bad, in his mentoring relationships. He hesitated, and it was obvious he was struggling and didn’t want to complain. In his words, “Linda, I’m seeing an interesting trend. Maybe it’s just me. In general, the people I meet with are very appreciative. No complaints. At the same time, I’ve sensed a kind of “entitlement mentality” among some of the others. This past month, for the first time, I’ve gotten resistance from a couple of guys I’ve been mentoring. Those two don’t even return my phone calls.”
Here at CCC/The Mentoring Group, we’ve heard similar comments from other mentors. One reported: “If a mentee doesn’t seem grateful, I drop him.” Another said, “I’ve given up mentoring because people expect too much from me and just take, take, take.”
Are these mentors selfish? Do they have unrealistic expectations of their mentees? Should they be more altruistic and give their mentoring with no strings attached and no expectations considered? Is that what “unconditional partnerships” really requires? In fairness, we also hear complaints from mentees who feel taken for granted, unappreciated, or worse, snubbed by their so-called mentors.
In the mentor-mentee training we do, participants offer reasons for holding back on expressions of appreciation. They:
- claim they feel appreciative and grateful inside but may not show it enough
- are overwhelmed by other responsibilities in this high anxiety era that leave little time for kindness
- assume others will know they’re appreciative even if mentees don’t speak up
- feel vulnerable when showing “too much” gratitude or admiration
- fear they’ll be seen as wanting something from their mentors
- never received or observed unconditional appreciation in the past so don’t recognize its value or have never learned encouragement skills
- have heard so many phony or insincere comments that they vow not to emulate that pattern
- lack the specific skills to do it
Many seem to be confusing appreciation with praise. They fear that saying anything will seem like syrupy, insincere compliments or “buttering up.” Our trainers don’t buy it. We do our best to sell mentees (as well as their mentors) on the need to learn this new habit.
Let’s Change These Patterns
Here are ideas for you to consider as you work with your mentees informally or in structured partnerships.
1. Identify your personal appreciation needs.
Be honest with yourself. How much appreciation do you need or at least want from people you help? Are you expecting too much, e.g., a thank you for every single thing you do or say? If so, see if you can change your beliefs and then do something less extreme. On the other hand, would you simply like appreciation now and then, especially when it seems sincere? If that’s the case, you’re not being in the least bit selfish. Or do you need very little or no appreciation? Recognize that being this way probably prevents you from showing appreciation to others, and that can hamper your mentoring relationships.
2. State your needs to your mentees.
Instead of waiting for your mentees to make mistakes, lay out your mentoring approach and needs early in your partnerships, even in the first meeting. Say something like: “One of the things I know about my mentoring experiences from the past is that I want to show you appreciation on a regular basis. And to be frank, I like to know when you like something I do and when you appreciate my work on your behalf. Can we talk about both of our needs on this matter?”
3. Set and stick to some boundaries.
Give your mentees fair chances to show appreciation for your relationships and what they’re receiving from you. If needed, toss out a reminder when your mentees are neglectful. Remember, one of your primary jobs as a mentor is to prepare your mentees to be “effective mentees” so they can attract and work well with mentors in addition to you. In this “mentor’s market,” you want your mentees to succeed in finding future personal and professional development help they need. If you sense that one or more mentees are generally unappreciative, consider ending relationships after a “warning.” Try to be honest when you pull back, and perhaps leave the door open for another try later.
4. Feel and show appreciation yourself.
Even if you’ve been neglectful yourself in feeling the emotion of appreciation or showing it, it’s not too late to grow. With a trusted friend, see if you can explore your hesitation. Make a commitment to do the actions even if you don’t completely feel the feelings yet. Start thanking your mentees and others for little things and for the partnerships themselves. Your enthusiasm will increase, and you’ll have even more impact on the people you hope to develop.
Please tell us if you’ve experienced anything mentioned in this article. Write to us at info@mentoringgroup.com. We’ll be appreciative!
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