Early in this new year seems like a good time to talk about getting back on track in your mentoring relationship. Perhaps you pulled back and stopped managing your mentor in an assertive and planful way.

Worse, have you canceled or failed to schedule some meetings and now feel guilty because you dropped the ball and don’t know how to get the relationship going again? You’re not alone; many mentees find themselves in this dilemma. Here are some ideas for recommitting to your partnership.

1. Decide what’s really going on.

Be honest with yourself and your mentor. Are you dissatisfied with the match? If it clearly isn’t working and you’ve tried at least three or four meetings with no success, to make it work talk with your coordinator (if you're in an organization) about dropping out for now or about getting a new mentor. If your schedule and personal or job demands are extremely hectic now, decide if you want to postpone the relationship or change your original mentoring objectives to something more appropriate and timely.

On the other hand, if your mentor is intimidating or has a different style far to different from yours and you feel uncomfortable around him/her, take the challenge of jumping back in and making the relationship work anyway.

2. If you decide to try again, make a definite mental and passionate commitment.

Don’t go after this half-heartedly. Make a tangible promise to yourself that you’ll make the relationship a priority and see it through. Plan a reward to give yourself once you’ve followed through.

3. Write out a script or list of key points, and phone him/her.

If you and your mentor have voice mail, leave a sincere apology and brief explanation, then ask for a meeting as soon as convenient. If you get him or her, do the same thing. Keep the call brief; don’t make it a “mentoring session” unless your mentor is anxious to talk.

4. Before your next meeting, re-evaluate your goals and approach.

Review the goals you proposed to your mentor in the first place. Should you drop or add any? What’s your very top growth priority right now, and how could your mentor help? In terms of how the relationship operates, figure out what has worked up to now and what hasn’t. If its the latter, ask for help if you don't know what to change. Do you know how to manage the partnership? Be completely honest, and change what you need to.

5. In the meeting, apologize again and express appreciation.

Don’t grovel, but show that you’re aware you dropped the ball and probably disappointed your mentor. Express thanks for at least one thing you’ve gained from the partnership. ("Thanks to you, I now look my manager in the eye instead of starting at the floor or focusing over his head. I appreciate your coaching me on that.")

6. Propose a new goal and/or process to follow.

Try something like this: "Because of the delay in our relationship and some new developments, I’d like to change the goal we worked on from ____ to ____. How does that sound?" (Wait for response.) "Also, instead of my spending the whole time talking about my latest crisis, I’d like us to divide our meetings into thirds. For example, I can report what I’ve tried and how it went, getting your feedback. Then I’ll present what I want to try before our next meeting. I’d like to leave at least a third of our meetings free to hear your stories and situations or to just talk about our lives. I sure could use your reactions now!"

7. Build on this momentum.

Before you and your mentor end this discussion, schedule at least two follow-up meetings and enter them on your calendars. Keep those appointments.

8. Stick to your new plan.

If you’re still hesitating about reviving this relationship, remember that you made a commitment, and it’s only for a set period of time to work on one or more specific goals. You’ll definitely learn something if you try. You’ll also reinforce your mentor for volunteering his/her valuable time with you as well as future mentees like you. Finish your partnership time schedule together, perhaps shortening it if you reach your goals early.

If you absolutely can’t complete this relationship and you’re in an Organization, let your coordinator know immediately, and still thank your mentor for the good effort. If you’re on an individual quest, drop your mentor a note thanking him/her for the help. Part of a life well lived is managing graceful endings that allow others to feel good about themselves.

For more ideas on being an effective mentee, see our Archive and Products.