All of us have made mistakes as mentees! Although making errors with mentors is probably inevitable, you can take some steps to anticipate and avoid several of the common blunders.

Here are some ideas for preventing problems and, in a few cases, ways for repairing things if you’ve already goofed.

1.  Expecting too much.

This is the big, most common mistake mentees make with their mentors. They expect a mentor to be available at all times and to help not only with career progress but also personal life issues. They also expect to find a mentor who has a compatible style, is a great listener and teacher, and who makes frequent introductions to the mentor’s key contacts.

Any of these actions and attitudes on the part of a mentor can occur. However, it’s far more strategic to receive different types of help from multiple mentors. Mentors are extremely busy, and they vary in style and how much access and help they provide. Think positively and yet think small in the beginning. As each mentor sees what you can do and trusts you more, the help may increase and broaden. Seek additional mentors, and learn to “pull mentoring” even from mentors who have opposing styles and who aren’t great listeners or teachers.

2.  Discounting mentor’s suggestions or stories.

A mentee recently e-mailed The Mentoring Group commenting on how tired he was of listening to his mentor’s long stories, jokes, and “lame” advice. He was ready to end the relationship and yet (to his credit) wanted to be polite and do the right thing.

Because your mentor is being generous by working with you, proper mentoring protocol calls for you to receive graciously most of what your mentor has to offer. This includes, at times, long stories, repeated jokes, and advice that doesn’t seem very appropriate. If your relationship is new, your time together should soon become more focused on the specific type of help you need. You can speed this up by reinforcing your mentor when she/he does it right. Every time you get a “nugget” in all the extra stuff, comment on how helpful it is. Try a phrase such as: “I learned faster when you contrasted A and B.” If necessary, ask for help linking a story to your situation. If advice doesn’t fit, thank your mentor anyway, and store it for some future situation you’ll probably face.

On the other hand, if this pattern has gone on for a long time, and you’ve tried to improve things, it could be time to part ways. Just be sure you do this in a positive way, and always leave the door open for future contact.

3.  Not setting one or more clear goals.

Many mentees tell us that they don’t have any idea what goals to set. Or they spend too long looking for a perfect goal. Others say they’re simply not goal setters. Mentors in turn tell us that they don’t want to take time to work with mentees who aren’t focused, don’t know specifically what they want to develop, and can’t say what they want from the mentors.

Experiment with being a skilled goal setter. Take at least an hour to mull over in your mind at least two areas you want to improve. Maybe it’s a skill you want to acquire or improve…or an area of knowledge you need. Perhaps it’s a change of attitude that will give you more courage or less anxiety about a task you face. Choose a mentor who seems to have at least above-average competence in this skill, knowledge, or attitude…or a mentor who can help you find people who are. Then write down your list of possible goals. Here are a few drafts…

I want to get better at predicting which customers will reorder.
I want increased knowledge of business practices in South Korea.
I want to feel less apprehensive about presenting to board members.

These aren’t worded particularly well, but they’re a start to discuss with your mentors. (Write them down before your meeting.) As you and they talk, you can tighten your goals and include ways to measure success in reaching them. Keep providing goal progress updates so your mentor will know you’re serious.

4.  Pretending things are fine when they’re not.

Mentees are notoriously polite. Sometimes they’ll allow a difficult or disappointing mentoring situation to go on far too long before either speaking up or disappearing. Because of the Awe Factor (being slightly in awe of a famous, highly competent, or very charismatic mentor), they’ll choose to overlook issues that shouldn’t be ignored.

A good prevention solution is to bring up topics in the very beginning of your relationship. Talk about your expectations, how you’ll mention any issues that concern either of you. If you didn’t do this originally and you’re in the middle of an awkward situation, talk to your program coordinator (if you have one) for some tips. If you’re on your own, think clearly through the situation. What have you contributed to the problem? What exactly is your mentor doing that’s disappointing or otherwise not what you’d like.

If the relationship is worth keeping, come up with a lead-in such as, “Tom, I’m enjoying our relationship and have gained so much from you. Can I mention one area that isn’t working too well for me?” As Ury and Fisher said in the wonderful book, Getting to Yes, be soft on the person and hard on the issue (not soft on both or hard on both). If the situation is beyond repair, exit gracefully…and (as mentioned in #2 above), keep that door open for future contact.

For more ideas on being an effective mentee, check our Archive and Products.