It could be time to get back on track in your mentoring relationship. Have you pulled back and stopped managing your mentor in an assertive and planful way? Worse, have you canceled or failed to schedule some meetings and now feel guilty because you dropped the ball and don’t know how to get the relationship going again?

You’re not alone. Many mentees find themselves in this dilemma. Here are some ideas for getting your relationship moving again.

1. Decide what’s really going on. Be honest with yourself and your mentor. Have you simply become lax? On the other hand, if your schedule and personal or job demands are extremely hectic now, decide if you want to postpone the relationship for awhile or change your original mentoring goals to something more appropriate and timely. If your mentor is intimidating and you feel ill at ease around him/her, take this a challenge to jump back in and make the relationship work anyway. Do the same if his/her style is different and you aren’t too comfortable with it.

2. If you decide to try again, make a definite mental commitment and block out times in your schedule for this relationship.

3. Call him/her and have a script (or at least some bullet points) ready. If you get voice mail, leave a sincere apology, a brief explanation, and ask for a meeting as soon as convenient. If you get the live person, do the same thing.

4. Prior to your next meeting, re-evaluate your goals and the approach you’ll use during your sessions. Figure out what has worked up to now and what hasn’t. Be completely honest. Change what you need to.

5. In the meeting (whether in person or on the phone, preferrably not by email), apologize again and express appreciation for at least one thing you’ve gained from the partnership. (“Thanks to you, I now look my manager in the eye instead of staring at the floor or focusing over his head. I appreciate your coaching me on that.”)

6. If appropriate, propose a new goal or process to follow in your partnership. (“Because of the delay in our relationship, I’d like to change the goal I’m working on from ___ to ___. Also, instead of my spending the whole time talking about my latest crisis, I’d like us to divide our meetings into thirds: First, I’ll report what I’ve tried and how it went, getting your feedback. Then I’ll present what I want to try before our next meeting. I’d like to leave at least a third of our meetings free to hear your stories and situations or to just talk about our lives. What do you think?”)

7. Schedule at least two follow-up meetings before you and your mentor end the session.

8. Stick to your new plan.

If You’re Still Stuck

If you continue to have second thoughts about the wisdom of pursuing this relationship, remember that you made a commitment, and it’s only for a set period of time to work on particular goals. Try at least four meetings. You’ll definitely learn something if you try. In terms of the bigger picture, you’ll also encourage your mentor for being willing to volunteer her/his time with you and future mentees like you.

If you absolutely can’t complete this relationship and you’re in a program, let your coordinator know immediately, and still thank your mentor for the good effort. If you’re not in a program, drop your mentor a line (unless a face-to-face meeting is possible) thanking him/her for the help. Part of a life well lived is managing graceful endings that allow others to feel good about themselves.

For more ideas on being an effective mentee, see our Products and Archive.