Is your mentee pulling back and not managing the relationship with you in the assertive way you expected? Let’s assume your mentee’s schedule and other priorities aren’t causing this change.

It’s possible you may be contributing to the challenge by appearing a little unapproachable or even somewhat intimidating. Consider these ideas:

1. Recognize the “Awe Factor.”

Because of your position or fame, the fact that you’re an authority figure, and/or the aura of importance that you may unwittingly exude, your mentee may believe he/she isn’t very important compared with your other priorities and opportunities. In mentoring, the Awe Factor is a key issue, more for some mentees than others. Accept that this might be the case, even when you don’t feel intimidating or “awesome.”

2. Bring it up (without mentioning the Awe Factor per se).

(“I’m disappointed that you canceled two meetings before this one, even though your reasons were understandable. I’m really committed to our partnership and count on our meeting regularly. Can you tell me frankly some of the things I do that make it challenging for you? I’ve been told I sometimes….”) It’s critical that you receive any feedback non-defensively.

3. Help your mentee lead you.

As needed, help your mentee learn to manage this relationship. (“I think I’ve done most of the talking when we get together. Would you be willing to take the lead in planning and running our next meeting? Give me clues if I try to take over.”)

4. Start giving more positive feedback to your mentee.

Assist him/her in recognizing personal strengths. Offer sincere compliments about what you observe. (“I admire the way you’re handling your staff during these budget cuts. You seem to keep them very informed and bring a lot of good humor into your meetings.”…”I appreciate how you’ve followed through on the suggestions I’ve given you. You read that HBR article right away.”)

5. Mention specifically what you’ve gained from this relationship.

Reiterate why you’re in this. (“Coaching promising young leaders like you is probably the most important thing I do.”…”I’ve had a string of great mentors. Meeting with you is one way to pay them back.”) Convince your mentee that you, too, are benefiting. (“You gave me two ideas that I hadn’t thought of, which helped me with the speech I’m writing.”)

6. Simplify access to you.

If your mentee has had to reach you through your admin, consider giving your mentee direct access to you. In his leadership book, The Contrarians, Steven B. Sample (President of the University of Southern California) describes how he allows his top people to reach him 24 hours a day (without going through any support staff). Because they have this privilege, the individuals only use it a few times (if at all) each year.

7. Ask your mentee for advice or an opinion on a challenge you’re facing.

Use that advice, and report the results back to her/him.

8. Share your mistakes.

Let your mentee know some of your mistakes and what you learned from them. This is one of the best ways to build trust in a relationship.

9. Phone unexpectedly.

Call, even while you’re traveling, just to say hello and that you were thinking of your mentee. One mentee in a recent training workshop raved about getting a call from his mentor, an executive who was on the corporate jet.

10. Drop any over-busy or impatient mannerisms or spoken messages.

Are you inadvertently sneaking a look at your watch; interrupting; commenting on all the e-mail and calls you receive; and how busy, swamped, stressed, overwhelmed, and behind you are? These will be undesirable double messages to any mentee.

For more ideas on being an effective mentor, see our Products, especially The Mentor’s Guide and 75 Things to Do with Your Mentee.