In mentoring evaluations conducted by The Mentoring Group, a common complaint of mentors is that their mentees don’t show enough initiative in the partnerships.

This complaint is frequent even when mentees are taught in their training that they, not the mentors, have to own these mentoring relationships and must drive them in order to be successful. What’s going on, and what can you do if you’re faced with in this situation?

Note that mentee-driven relationships are primarily a U.S. corporate phenomenon. Many cultures continue to be more comfortable with mentors taking the lead. Look carefully at your situation, and consider the right thing to do in your personal or institutional setting. If indeed, it makes sense to help your mentee become more self-initiating, read on.

Moments Count

If you’re participating in a mentoring initiative in an organization, you’ll probably meet with your mentee in formal “mentoring sessions” only one or two hours a month. That means you’ll have about 24 hours (a day!) to be helpful in a year-long partnership. Clearly, you won’t be able to do all you know how and are willing to do for your mentee. If your mentoring partnership is outside an institutional initiative, you might be able to find more mentoring time to tackle this challenge.

Given this short amount of time, your mentee should learn to maximize every moment. He/she may need skills plus inspiration and positive reinforcement from you in order to do that. Here are some ideas.

Ideas to Help Your Mentee

1. Push for mentee training.

Talk with your mentoring coordinator about requiring training for all the mentees. Unless they learn that it’s not only permissible but desirable for them to manage their mentoring partnerships, they won’t think (or be brave enough) to do so. Also, during the training they can share their tentative goals with other mentees and compare ideas of possible development activities. Doing this will build their confidence for managing you and their other mentors. If you’re in a situation in which mentees receive no formal training, take it upon yourself to coach your mentee on this mentee-driven approach to mentoring.

2. Take time to build your relationship.

When you first start meeting, don’t focus immediately on goals and a plan. If you do, you could put pressure on goals for goals’ sake. Because of the Awe Factor (exaggerated respect for you as a mentor), your mentee may tell you what you want to hear without owning the expressed goals. Get acquainted, tell about your experiences, build the relationship for a month or more, and discuss each others expectations for a successful relationship. Ask, “What would make this a successful mentoring partnership for you?”

Stay neutral or positive on ideas your mentee shares even when you’re doubtful or skeptical about them. Keep in mind that the world is all too willing to tell your mentee why she/he can’t have that dream. You may be the mentor that helps it happen.

3. Start somewhere.

After your first few get-togethers, help your mentee commit to one or two medium-sized development goals. The goals won’t be perfect, but the two of you can change or even drop them later. Encourage your mentee to choose learning activities, resources, and a completion date for each goal and to write these down in a development plan. Negotiate what your actions in all of this should be, suggesting a gradually lessening leadership role for yourself.

4. Coach the mentee skill of Showing Initiative.

Showing Initiative is one of The Mentoring Group’s five mentee-specific skills. Your mentee should master this skill in order to manage you and future mentors. If you notice little initiative taken with you, recommend adding a goal to the development plan (for example, take the initiative in my mentoring partnerships). Coach your mentee on several parts of this skill including:

• knowing when and when not to show initiative
• asking appropriate questions to clarify and get more information
• pursuing useful resources on her/his own
• taking informed risks in order to acquire new knowledge, skills, and attitudes
• going beyond what you suggest; showing creative or ambitious ways of using ideas the two of you have dreamed

5. Show enthusiasm and give compliments.

A good psychological hypothesis is that people do things that benefit them. Ensure that your mentee is enjoying and gaining from a more assertive approach. Show your enthusiasm when he/she initiates in a positive way. (“I’m excited about your decision to approach your team member to try to resolve that issue!”) Make sure your compliments are genuine and not too “flowery,” or they may seem patronizing and insincere. From time to time, remind your mentee about progress made since beginning this learning. Give at least four compliments/praises before for every correction/criticism you offer.

6. Be patient.

Often when mentees are learning to manage mentors, they can come on too strong, act pushy, and even become annoying with their demands. Give some grace, offer honest feedback on how you’re being affected (positively and negatively) by their behaviors, and bring in some humor! This should be a good learning experience for both of you! For more ideas on being an effective mentor, see our Archive and Products.