Your mentee just __________(fill in the blank):

• gave you an expensive gift
• asked if he could come over to your house
• told you about a serious psychological diagnosis he’s had since childhood
• phoned you at 2:00 a.m. to talk
• asked you a very personal question
• complained vociferously about her boss
• gave you a big bear hug

What do you do?

Boundaries in Mentoring

All human relationships have boundaries or rules about what is and isn’t permitted. Usually in mentoring, the mentor brings up the topic of boundaries (sometimes calling them “expectations” or limits) and also guides the discussion toward agreement about which ones the partnership will honor.

We at The Mentoring Group don’t have a list of firm rules but do suggest that you and your mentees come to agreements about the following and more:

• How often, where, and how long (in weeks or months) you’ll meet
• Who will “manage” the relationship and how that will look
• Communication in between your meetings
• Areas to talk about and work on and what’s off limits
• When you might refer mentees to someone else for additional assistance
• Style preferences (e.g., how each of you would like to give and receive feedback, how you prefer to communicate, punctuality habits)
• Mentee “homework,” if any
• Physical/touch boundaries (What’s comfortable? Are each of you huggers...or not?)
• Confidentiality (what is strictly between you, what you as the mentor must report, if anything)
• Gifts

Handling Boundary Dilemmas

Even when you discuss a set of working rules or boundaries, you’ll probably forget to cover something...or your mentees will misinterpret (or even ignore) what you agreed upon. When this happens, take it in stride. Patiently and yet firmly reiterate your agreement (or your preference if the rule wasn’t clarified) to your mentees, and try again.

If your mentees continue to push the boundaries and take unfair advantage of your generous mentoring, you may have to be firmer and even call a halt to the relationship. Here’s what we would do related to the gift dilemma and others mentioned earlier. (Let’s assume you didn’t clarify the rules about these in the beginning of your relationship.)

• gave you an expensive gift

“This ____ is incredibly beautiful/nice, and I’m honored that you think this highly of me. I know you’re giving me a big compliment and saying thanks with your gifts. I’m not willing to take it, and I hope you’ll understand. This isn’t acceptable in my culture, and I should have explained this when we first got together. I was remiss. I would be open to exchanging cards or small souvenirs on our birthdays and when we bring the formal part of our relationship to a close. How does that sound?”

• asked if he could come over to your house

If you prefer to keep the relationship strictly business and not social at this point: “We might consider doing that later. Thanks for suggesting it! For now, I’d like to concentrate on our meetings at the office.” (You could continue more discussion about both of your social etiquette experiences and preferences.)

• told you about a serious psychological diagnosis he’s had since childhood

“I’m glad you trusted me enough to share that with me. What a challenge you’ve had over the years! You cover it well. You know I care about you, and I want you to find someone who can help you take the next improvement step related to this concern.”

• phoned you at 2:00 a.m. to talk

“Is this an emergency? (If not) I prefer we do our talking during the day” or “Please, no more calls before 8:00 a.m. and after 9:00 p.m.” Decide what you want your role to be in the case of an emergency, which would be extremely rare if it occurs at all.

• asked you a very personal question

“I’d prefer to keep that topic off limits between us.”

• complained vociferously about her boss

”I’m glad to help you manage your boss better. Let’s focus on what you can control. What are a few of the behaviors that irritate you and what do you need to learn to do in response?”

• gave you a big bear hug

If you’re comfortable, hug back. If not, “Thanks for the hug. I’m not much of a hugger (big smile), so I’d like to stick to nice words!”

For more ideas on being an effective mentor, see our Products and Archive.