Sooner or later most mentors struggle with the question of mentees’ initiative—or lack thereof. The mentors wonder how much they (the mentors) should direct the development process and how much the mentees should initiate actions, make decisions, and otherwise take responsibility for themselves.

A mentor recently wrote: "My mentee seems afraid to make a decision on his own. It’s kind of flattering, but he relies on me far too much.”

Another commented: “She doesn’t seem to need my advice or reactions. I’m wondering why she even asked me to mentor her.”

Yet another said, “During mentoring training, my mentee was told in training to manage me. I guess that means I wait for him to ask me questions.”

Mentoring Is a Balancing Act

Some mentees want a great deal of direction and feedback, while others seem to want almost none. You may be the kind of mentor who likes to be quite directive. You’ve found your style worked with other mentees, and you prefer it that way. In my years as a counseling psychologist in private practice, I had a comfortable and effective routine with most clients, one that basically put me in charge of introducing and leading each step of the growth process. Sometimes I was explicit and openly talked about my direction; other times my direction was implicit and quiet. Either way, I maintained much of the control.

On the other hand, you may relish mentees who take charge and just report in now and then. With certain clients, I learned it was more beneficial to sit back, saying and doing very little. These clients were very introspective and self-directed and wanted very little direction. They seemed to grow most when I occasionally pointed out what I was observing in them and how their experiences matched or differed from those of other people I’d seen. In time, I learned to vary my approach somewhat, although I hung on to my more directive style.

Some mentoring specialists argue that mentors should direct or lead in the beginning, gradually relinquishing control to their mentees. This sounds logical but is somewhat simplistic. In the real mentoring world, mentors and mentees have a wide variety of styles, moods vary, life events change things, and people learn and operate at varying speeds. In short, each mentor-mentee pair should experiment and figure out the right approach and balance for the two of them.

With the new emphasis on mentees’ managing their mentoring relationships, you can expect more of them to assert themselves with you. Some will be quite amazing as they lay out their goals and tell you exactly what they’d like from you. Others (probably the largest number) will stumble along in the process, not knowing how much they want to manage you and their own learning and how much you’ll tolerate their leaning on you. A few will have absolutely no clue what they want to do, how mentoring works, and even what to say to you in a session.

Some Ideas to Try

As mentors we’re to help our mentees excel by: 1) getting the most from our varied experiences and expertise and 2) learning how to handle other mentors in addition to us. That means we’ll be most valuable if we introduce them to options and help them figure out how to use several of them.

1. Talk about the topic of initiative/control/direction and all the options available.

Your mentee will probably be surprised but relieved if you bring up the issue of who’s to manage the relationship and how that might play out. This will include who runs your meetings, initiates discussion topics, proposes goals for the mentee to pursue, suggests development activities, and makes key decisions for the relationship such as when the formal part of it ends. See if your mentee can list at least these four possibilities:

• You direct throughout; your mentee follows your lead.
• Your mentee does all the initiating, and you go along with his/her requests.
• You take fairly equal turns initiating and responding to each other’s direction.
• You direct for the first few weeks, and gradually your mentee takes over.

2. Try out one of the options, and exchange lots of feedback.

Ask your mentee to choose and test an option to test for at least three meetings. At the end of each meeting, discuss how this style or approach worked. Help your mentee see the strengths of this option and what does and doesn’t help. Give each other frank feedback.

3. Try a different option to see what it feels like.

Switch to a different option so your mentee has practice with it. Force yourselves to use this approach for two or three meetings and exchange equally honest feedback. Notice your own response to this different option.

4. Settle into a routine that works best for the two of you.

Go ahead and use the option (or combination of options) that feels right for both of you. Keep giving your mentee feedback on her/his performance, and ask for reactions to your role. Point out how your chosen routine may differ from what other mentors prefer. Encourage your mentee to seek a variety of mentors with different styles and preferences and to be flexible in adjusting to every style.

Let us know how you’ve handled the initiative issue with your mentees. Have you changed your thinking on this dimension of mentoring in the past two or three years? For more ideas on being a successful mentor, check our Products and Archive.