It’s all right to make a mistake as
a mentee. You want to take risks and try new behaviors. No two mentors are the same, so you can never be sure that your approach will be totally acceptable and satisfying to any one mentor.

Having said all that, if you’re like most mentees, you want to make as few serious mistakes as possible! Let’s look at the errors that others have made…and provide some strategies
to help you prevent or at least recover from them.

1. Act too passively.

Some mentees expect to find a mentor who will literally take care of them: tell them what career or position to pursue, set the mentees’ goals, protect them from making any mistakes, introduce them to the mentors’ key contacts, and in general ensure the mentees’ success. The new trend in adult-to-adult mentoring is for the mentee (not the mentor) to own his/her own development and to manage mentoring relationships.

This means approaching potential mentors, proposing get-together's and goals, suggesting learning activities, monitoring the relationships to be sure mentors are satisfied, and suggesting closings or transitions when the relationships have met their goals. Mentors will be frustrated if you leave the process all up to them. Most will be highly motivated if you show interest, enthusiasm, a willingness to learn, and genuine appreciation.

2. Act too aggressively.

Some mentees, in an effort to be assertive and responsible, come on too strongly. They give the appearance that the mentor owes them his/her time and state what they want in a tone that seems demanding. Many prospective mentors don’t know about the shift in mentor-mentee roles and so are shocked when prospective mentees seem pushy and too sure of themselves.

The key is to manage the “dance” of mentoring. That means leading at times, following at others, being willing to change steps when needed. When in doubt, have a discussion with your mentor about how much initiative you should show. Just asking will demonstrate that you want to learn and make it a good experience for both of you.

3. Ignore the Awe Factor.

The Awe Factor is the dynamic that often occurs between a mentee and a mentor who has considerable experience and expertise, an important position, or a stellar reputation. Mentors, like other authority figures, can make mentees feel awkward and even a little inadequate, even without trying to do so.

Experiencing the Awe Factor in mentoring is normal and actually a good thing to a point. Mentees should show respect and admiration for their mentors. Whenever possible, you want to honor your mentors’ schedules and listen to their advice. Ignoring the Awe Factor completely can make you seem too assertive (see number 1 above) and even naïve about the process of mentoring. Recognize the factor, note how you’re feeling about the person and situation, and talk about how you’ll best work together as mentor and mentee.

4. Leave future contact vague.

Partly because of the Awe Factor mentioned above, many mentees say they don’t want to bother their busy mentors. So, when a mentoring meeting is finished, the mentees just say thanks and leave. At most they say, “I’ll call you,” hoping the mentors will speak up and propose another time to meet.

Effective mentees make a point of scheduling at least two or three meetings in advance. Starting early in the relationship, they invite their mentors to bring out calendars and schedule actual days, times, and places. They also clarify what to do about emails and phone conversations between meetings, including what to expect in the way of response times. It may feel a little pushy to bring up these topics, but your mentors will appreciate how serious you are about working with them. If they’ve agreed to participate, you won’t be bothering them at all.

5. Say “Yes, but…”

Your mentors will no doubt offer suggestions, give advice, suggest new options, and sometimes even tell you what to do. Some of this intended help you’ll recognize as useful; some could also seem inappropriate. It’s tempting to say thanks and run with the ideas that intuitively feel valuable and decline the rest. You’ll feel the urge to set your mentor straight by saying, “Yes, but that won’t work for me because of this reason.” Nothing will turn a mentor off more quickly than hearing you say this. The word “but” is a red flag that signals your mentor (rightly or wrongly) that you’re stubborn and unwilling to learn or try.

Even if the suggestion doesn’t feel right or you know it to be inappropriate, force yourself to listen to the complete idea and consider it very carefully. Drop “but” from your responses, and see item number 6 for more ideas. If this becomes a pattern and your relationship clearly isn’t working for you, talk with your mentoring coordinator or have a closing conversation with your mentor and agree to part amicably for now.

6. Don’t report learning.

A key skill of mentees is called Learning Quickly, and one of its components is the so-called Learning Loop. This means learning something from your mentor, trying it out as soon as possible, and reporting back to your mentor about what happened, what worked, what you still need to learn, etc. Not reporting that process and its results is a mistake and will make your mentor think: a) you didn’t hear the information or b) it wasn’t important enough to test out. Either way, your mentor is likely to be discouraged and resist helping you next time. Always let him/her know what you did, what you learned, and how much you appreciated your mentor’s efforts.

7. Don’t follow through.

This error is not doing what you committed to do such as not showing up for meetings, not completing your learning activities to meet your goals, or not getting back to your mentor with information you were supposed to provide. Mentors value mentee follow through because it proves the mentees’ dedication and desire to succeed. If you ever can’t complete a task or keep a promise, let your mentor know as quickly as possible and arrange a later due date. No doubt you expect your mentor to do the same!

For more ideas on being an effective mentee, visit our Archive and list of Products. If you don’t have them yet, consider ordering The Mentee’s Guide and Strategies for Getting the Mentoring You Need.